Soccer is the closest sport to Ballet and I still don't get it
I want to like sports really badly because they combine so many of the things that I'm fond of, yelling for no reason, dressing up to look like you're supposed to be wherever you currently are, and rioting because you were right or because you're mad that you were wrong. I dig all of those things. I dig all of those things a lot.
However, all of the stuff that goes on in the middle of a sporting event is almost completely beyond me. And I say "almost" because I'm attempting to learn to like that stuff too. My reasoning for doing this stems from a goal that my buddy Dave and I made while we we're riding bikes* the night before we left for our respective colleges. We were puzzling over what the point of a college education was. Eventually we came to the decision that our life goal was to, "be interesting at cocktail parties**.
This of course, means being able to discuss a wide range of topics in an erudite manner. For the most part I feel qualified to fake knowledge about a wide range of topics***. If my general knowledge in any particular field fails me, I resort to rolling my eyes in a knowing way, loading my small plate with cheese squares, and finally, pretending that I need another drink.
Yet, I have never been able to fake any knowledge of sports. For me, it's like coming in at the last season of 24 and constantly asking inane questions like: "Who's that guy?" Why's he dressed like that? Why does he look so mean?"
I was on dance team all through out High School. Competitive dance team, but dance team none the less. This never prepared me for the intricacies of discussing sporting events in casual social settings.
I'm in the same city as two other Peace Corps Volunteers Garrett and Brenna. Garrett is a baseball player from a small town in southern Illinois and Brenna was a basketball player through out high school and college in Winston-Salem North Carolina. Any time conversations veer towards athletics, I try to chime in with a charming, "Yeah... They should just move to Canada." Which meets with horrified grimaces and shocked silences. One time we were discussing "point scoring" and I came to the realization that I have never scored a point... in anything besides my SAT's... and my score was less than impressive.
I quickly saved myself by loudly proclaiming, "BUT I WAS THE CAPTAIN OF MY HIGH SCHOOL'S IMPROV TEAM... FOR TWO YEARS!" Which was followed by me crossing my arms and waiting for adulation.
I assumed that living in a European country would ingratiate me into soccer or as they say, "football****" but I have seen two European Cups now and on both occasions found myself jumping up and yelling, for no other reason than everyone else was jumping up and yelling.
I will be living in America this time next year, barring being captured by Somali pirate organ traffickers and being sold to the highest bidder for my retinas*****. And yet, I fear, that I will still jump up and yell, when everyone else jumps up and yells.
That being said- I'm glad Spain won.
*Not "cycling" mind you which involves dressing up like a super hero rejected by Marvel and pedaling a bicycle to some place far away from where you started, only to return again, all for the greater purpose of trying to stave off middle age. Riding bikes involves knocking on your friends door and asking their mom if they can come out and ride bikes. This was our general excuse to ride around in a series of slow circles talking about girls.
**Cocktail parties I've been to at this point in my life: 0.
*** While talking to Republicans: "They call themselves Democrats, but this country is headed for Socialism! I swear I'm just going to move to Canada.
While talking to Democrats: (Derogatory George W. Bush Comment)... (Reference to Fascism)...(Praise for Bono)...(Something about Georgia O'Keefe). I swear I'm just going to move to Canada.
While talking to Canadians: I heard you put gravy on french fries. I'm thinking about moving to Toronto.
****Savages.
***** Mom that was a joke. Somali pirates rarely traffick organs, their lack of access to refrigeration makes organ trafficking less and cost effective.
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